Hmmm...what happened to my life?

I just have one question.....more for myself than the world in general. When did the "because I have to"s so bury the "because I want to"s?

I realized how bad it had gotten yesterday when between work and picking up kids from school I spent a half an hour reading a book...not for a book club....not to figure out how to remove the wallpaper from the library....not to improve myself in any way, shape or fashion. While I ate lunch I read from a novel, just one I picked up at the library the last time I took Emily.

And I felt guilty about it!!! Not enough to stop reading and jump up and do the laundry or wash the dishes or correct the old page numbers on the answer sheet for the musculoskeletal study questions or add another couple of slides to my powerpoint presentation.

But the fact remains....I felt like I shouldn't be sitting there "just" reading.

At that moment I came to the realization that I no longer have control over my life. My life is controlling me. Granted I am under the control of a benign despot. Some of the things I do are fun, but I really miss the sense I used to have that I could drop everything and go to the beach on a moment's notice.

Or do anything on a moment's notice, as far as that goes. Just finding six unscheduled hours so that Bruce and I can go to the temple together requires a major discussion with calendars in hand as we juggle the responsibilities of our jobs, our callings, the kid's school assignments, extra-curricula activities and church programs.

We are buried in good things....kinda like being inside a snow drift...each individual flake doesn't have much wieght, but let a bunch of them get together and slide down a hill....and you can find yourself fighting an avalanche.

Thing is, I don't see things changing at all in the near future, so I guess I just need to recognize that things are a bit out of my control, slap on metaphysical snowboard and ride it out. I'll let you know if I get thrashed or manage to catch major air....